tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
just make the entire table out of coaster
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.