tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
*aggressively waits in line*
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.