Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
marvel comics have peaked
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.