Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym