TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.