TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.