[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.