Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.