Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs