tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
my sentiments exactly
I can’t stop laughing at this
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.