tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Livid.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”