tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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