tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
i now pronounce you bounced.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Money is the root of all wealth
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.