Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

You are what you delete.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks