Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
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It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”