Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
(Gaming support cat.)
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up