Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.