Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
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Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.