Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

🤣🤣🤣

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow