Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.