Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

sry

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Bill is short for Billiam

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.