TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
KFC hitting the cannibal market
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
HOW DARE YOU
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁