TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
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Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Hell yeah 👍
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…