Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
You Might Also Like
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]