Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Me when I’m ovulating

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.