Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Go hard or stay average

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.