Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
You Might Also Like
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*