Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Mistakes were made
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.