Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
what do you want
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?