Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

Breaking news:

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.