Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

i feel so bad i refunded him

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox