Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

They’re not wrong

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”