Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.