Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?