Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin