Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning