Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Jail

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead