Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Well, this is awkward
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.