TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
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[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
