Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Hawk o the mornin tuah

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

me irl

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.