TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.