TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.