Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Imma just leave this here…………

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.