TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche