Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.