TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Kids, do not try this at home!
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance