Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Finally!
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My typo game is string.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately