Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.