Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Ghost costume 😂
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.