Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Mhm.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”