*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.