*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
the battle rages on
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.