Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.