Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

My brain is a bad influence on me

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all