Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Body by cheese-puffs.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
