Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
2024 has been a rough few years
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!