Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Neighbors rented a bouncey castle three times and haven’t invited me over once. I walked by today. Castle is undefended. Considering a siege. 🤔🏰

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

😍😂🥰😂😍

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.