*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.