Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Monday every week is excessive

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?