Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, why not

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.