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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Most Common Source of Electricity
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…