Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.