Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
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My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Mmmm canned fish.
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!