Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
kitchen magnet
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.