Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Hard not to take this personally

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

#parenting

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.