tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*