Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

knights of the ikea table

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.