Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?