Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Tremendous stuff
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
How to make infinite energy.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.